I. Beclouded by Croakspeak? Take Charge!

Most of us who have estate plans can’t tell you what’s in them. We thought we understood at the time we signed our wills, but somehow that has slipped away.

Granted, estate planning can be complicated, especially for the well-heeled. And it’s not much fun to think about the financial fallout from our croaking.

But that’s not why we forgot. We forgot because we didn’t take charge. We abdicated our financial immortality to hired wizards who beclouded our memories with croakspeak.

Spoken croakspeak assumes you can’t bear to talk about your own death,

“If something happens…”

Written croakspeak sounds like an incantation,

“I give, grant, bequeath, devise, set over and enfeoff…”   

Arise, all ye who would rather sit for a root canal than discuss the financial consequences of your death. Take charge!

Begin with three sheets of blank paper. Forget all you know, or think you know about estate planning, or have heard at the beauty parlor or the golf course. Make your mind as blank as the paper.

On one sheet write down who you really want to get what when you die. On a second sheet, write down what you really think those who get it will do with it. On the third sheet, write down what you really want to do or accomplish between today and the day you croak.

At the very first meeting with your wizard, and before the cave becomes beclouded with croakspeak, produce these three sheets of paper. Insist that the two of you start with what you have written down. Then let your wizard do his or her croakspeak thing.

Your wizard is expert at making sure that what you want to happen – post croak – actually comes to pass. But your wizard doesn’t know what you want unless you say. And unless you say it very clearly, your wizard will get preoccupied with saving croak taxes and croakspeak syntax…all at the risk of casting your three sheets to the winds. 

Here are three more suggestions about taking charge:

One: Ask your wizard how the proposed estate plan will really play out in your life and in the lives of those dear ones who will get your stuff; how the plan will really affect your most important relationships, and theirs; the plan’s impact on your relational estate.

Two: Ask if those dear ones who will get your stuff can come listen to your wizard’s explanation.

Three: Do One and Two before you sign anything.

Do all this while you are still healthy and influential with those dear ones. Ask for their reactions and suggested changes to your wizard’s proposed plan.

Too much estate planning takes place in secret. Too many dear ones are taken for granted or by surprise. In secret we leave our dear ones what we think they ought to want in ways we think they ought to want to get it. But we don’t involve them.

No amount of croakspeak can substitute for candid conversations with our dear ones. Ask them, talk with them, get their input, then decide and have the wizard do your thing.

Yes, those conversations could lead to tears. After all, the topic is your death. And that’s hard for you and for them. But not nearly as hard as taking dear ones for granted or by surprise after you’re gone.

Don’t become beclouded by croakspeak.

Take charge of your estate plan!

II. Taking Good Advice: Story-Changing Choices

My client owned a coffee company. Twenty years ago, pricey experts forecast that baby boomers wouldn’t be coffee drinkers and would never buy bottled drinking water at soft drink prices.

Our world is awash with advice, some expensive, some free, some profound, some loony, some dangerous. How do we sort it out? How do we choose which to follow, and which to ignore? Here’s some advice about taking advice.

Step No. 1: Do you need help with a choice? Or do you just need someone to listen to your story and share your feelings about it? Do you want the other person to empathize or to strategize? Be clear at the outset whether you want advice. She could begin: “I’m not asking for advice right now, I just want to ventilate about this.” Or he could ask: “Do you want me to listen or do you want me to fix it?” Asking someone to listen invites empathy. Asking someone to help you choose, invites advice. Be clear.

Step No. 2: Suppose you’re making a choice that could change the unfolding story of your life – a story-changing choice. Some examples: to have a child or another child, to change jobs or locales, to stay or to split with your partner, to undergo major surgery, to write a will.

Will you make that story-changing choice alone, or share the choosing, or let someone else choose for you? Some people of faith hand off story-changing choices to a Higher Power.

How might your choice affect others’ life stories? Should you check in with them before choosing? Ask for their input, if not their advice? “Suppose I take a job abroad?” “What if I name you executor of my estate?” Having a child is a clear shared choice. So is moving away if you’re leaving together. You may be cool with someone else making a story-changing choice for you. “If you want another child, we’ll have one.” A caution: if you let others choose for you, you forfeit the right to complain or to second-guess their choices.

Step No. 3: Are you qualified to make a story-changing choice wisely? Or do you need professional advice from someone with special knowledge – a physician, lawyer, psychologist, accountant, or clergy? It’s a mistake to delegate your choice to experts. Expert advisors don’t want to substitute their judgment for yours. They want you to make informed choices supplemented by their expertise. And that’s the way it should be. It’s your body, your money, your relationships, your soul. If your expert advisor tries to make choices for you, I’d get a second opinion.

Step No. 4: Choose timely. Don’t rush, but don’t dawdle either. What events need to fall into place before you choose? What do you need to know beforehand? Establish a sensible deadline for choosing, and don’t be afraid to change it. Unmade choices can increase your anxiety level, disturb your sleep, sour your disposition. Resist well-meaning friends who detect your discomfort and push you to choose prematurely. You risk overlooking something important that only the passage of time can reveal. Likewise, resist well-meaning friends who would lull you into procrastinating.

Step No. 5: Don’t discount your feelings. Some choose with their heads and hope their hearts will follow along. Head choosers may counsel you to choose “unemotionally”, but I don’t. Emotions can play a huge part in how and when you choose. If you resist choosing unless or until you feel right about your choice, that’s probably OK.

Step No. 6: Sometimes you can’t choose – you’re disabled or deceased. That’s why you name guardians for your minor children, executors, trustees. That’s why you give powers of attorney so others can manage your finances or make your heath care decisions. Some families fight furiously about what a loved one “intended” after they’re gone. Those who will choose on your behalf need to know all they can about how you would choose – if you could. Brief them thoroughly.

Rejecting that expensive expert advice, my client has sold oceans of coffee and bottled water over the last twenty years.

It costs you nothing to reject my advice about taking advice.